Am I doomed to only like guys who act sweet in the beginning and then the more you open up and start to give to them the more they just become takers.Suck you dry for everything you have, every thing you can teach them and then move on after everything you've done for them? And ON TOP of all the work you did for them, they NEVER did it for you,never went out on a limb for you or took a risk because they have no balls whatsoever and as much as this hurt you you could never leave because of how you felt.So you just held out hoping they would man up,and learn to respect you, and to do nice things for you and make the effort you always make,and love you for you're mind and you're heart and THAN your body.Just kept on hoping tomorrow would be a better day and that all the feelings you had and all that you'd put out there would be given back to you, just to find that it never was and your dumped and alone.Nothing to show for all the time and effort you put in.Nothing to show for how much you cared.Handing someone everything on a platter, all you can give to them, you're love.You're fucking heart thrown to the ground like it's nothing at all.

    Not sure how I feel...Feel hyper in kind of a frustrating way.Wishing I could STOP and really think about something for a second, but my mind keeps racing...too fast for to really grasp on to a thought long enough to disect in in my usual way.Following? Probably not...but then again i'm the only one who can read this so..perhaps YOU do understand....

    I suppose it could be the meds...or the fact that I was cooped up at work all day and now after all that time getting lost in the repetition that is being a cashier...I'm hoping for some kind of inspiration after such an utterly uninspiring day..

     Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself..well actually I do.I say I do because I always know my intentions...I mean, I am inside my head, but at the same time..I don't trust myself. I don't trust what my emotional or mental state will be in one minute. All I can do is have faith in my self, my sense of morals and my self control. Which I am truly trying to work on.

      At the same time..my urge to smoek ciggarettes has not gone away (which I never expected it to) but I still have not attempted to quit..I don't know what will make me...it's just too easy...I honestly don't know if I will ever quit....

        I wanted to buy a book for inspiration and motivation..and put pics and quotes and anything and everything that inspires me...and I still will...but one thing I had planned on doing was to envision the kind of person i want to be and become that.. Then I thought...first I should try to figure out who I already am...the good the bad...Be proud of myself.

          I think there is good and bad in everyone...and that we can all be the people we want to be...and that we probably already are sometimes. People however...give up.Some are weak, and lazy, and ignorant. So instead of imagining who I want to be, I think I will try to eliminate the things that I let KEEP me from being that person.

           So now the big question...Who am I?

     

 I haven't left my house in days. I feel really uninspired and bored and pathetic. It's not even like I couldn't go and hang out I just haven't been feeling like it. In fact I don't really feel much of anything right now. That's how I knew i'd be getting a visit from the Red Fairy...-_- and I was right unfortunately.With my period it's either I have random bouts of anger and crying and my emotions range all over the place like a roller coaster, or I feel absolutely blank, devoid of any emotions at all.

I don't know which I prefer, being flooded by emotions to the point of it being overwhelming, or not feeling anything at all.Which is exactly the question I ask myself when I think about starting on Lexapro. I guess I just wish I could be myself, but without these debilitating random days where I feel like dying.If these kind of changes in mood are brought on by the hormonal changes during my period, maybe the explanation to why this happens even when i'm not on my period, is also hormonal.

Part of me is actually hoping that when we pick up the results of the tests they took at the doctor's that there IS something physically wrong with me. Some hormonal imbalance, or defect in parts of the brain that regulate certain functions, so at least this way there is some sort of explanation.Instead of the questioning.The ever present, always probing, always lurking in the back of my mind, the voice asking "What is wrong with me?"

Where do I get off being like this?So self involved, so sad so confused. my life hasn't been easy but whose has? Everyone has problems right? I mean my God, I watch documentaries about suffering all over the world, mexican wives mourning the loss of a dead husband involved with the cartel, Thai peoples homes gone forever in the tsunami, families fleeing from Nigeria only to arrive on the beach with half of their loved ones still alive.

Why am I so goddamn selfish? Why can't I appreciate what I have and all the freedom I have, all the oppurtunities out there for the taking for me. I was born in a country, that although flawed, gives me so many freedoms and luxuries and I can't be happy?

The fact that some day's I am so appreciative and thankful, and active, and satisfied still means nothing to me  when any morning I could wake up and acknowledge all this, but still want to die and throw it all away. Just curl up in a ball in my bed and try to hibernate because in sleep I am free from all the terrible thoughts that creep in to my head.

It's an imbalance.An imbalance I can only hope is an effect of some sort of chemical imbalance. Otherwise I'm just a mentally deranged person.

Whether or not the results of the physical confirm my suspicions, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. I am being put on the meds regardless because it can't go on like this.I can't go to school, or work, or be in a healthy relationship with myself or anyone else if this goes on. I can't live like this.

Sonya said I need to trust that she and the psychiatrist have my best interests in mind, and do not want to quelch my personality. I trust Sonya, and think she appreciates how for a very great deal of my life, I have been all I had.No one understand me better than me right? I have always had to be my own best friend and its definitely been a love/hate relationship, but it's one I do not wish to lose.

I still want to find comfort and refuge in my own thoughts. Through reading and music, taking walks, nature, movies, my friends. I still want to feel happiness,lust,sadness,adrenaline,anger, peace and above everything love. I want to still feel love, because without it life is pointless.

I take great pride in my ability to love, and my own unique thoughts and perspective, given that it has been all that I had for quite some time, i'm not willing to give it up. I don't want my personality to fade while on the drugs. I hate feeling as I do now. Blank, uninspired. It's agonizing but still not, because to be in agony you have to FEEL something. I don't want to perform in school or do things in my life just because. I want to do them because I have a goal in mind, and because my passion to meet this goal compels me to go for it.I want to feel so strongly about it it's as if my heart is aflame. I'm just hoping Lexapro can light a fire under my ASS :P

Speaking of my ass, apparenlty Lexapro can cause weight gain among other nasty side effects, most of which (if they even occur at all) are temporary. But I should be prepared for anything I suppose. :/ 

One of the worst things about having your period, is the discomfort.How your entire body feels all tense and confined even when your standing in an open field. You worry that you smell, you look ill and pale (which for someone as white as I am..it's too much) You just want to wear sweat pants and a huge mens tee shirt and eat and lay around all day hiding away from the world. Which is good and fine, except when you were already stuckk in ur house a few days prior to the oncoming of the red nightmare.
 
That's when you ready to burst out the door in ur period stained pajama pants and go for a lap around the block just to get some fresh air and loosen up ur body.Possibly screaming some anti-establishment punk rock lyric out into the air at the top of your lungs, just because you've gone that bat shit crazy O_O

I digress, the point is I don't feel like doing anything (or at least anything sane) so I am nervous about an upcoming job interveiw. Not that I wouldn't be nervous to begin with I mean...it's me we're talking about.Well actually no one will ever read this so "We're" not talking about anyone -_- w.e.

The keyfood on jamaica avenue and lefferts blv...the home of what is possibly my new job until school starts (possibly even after). I had a feeling this would be the one, particularly because during times like these it's not about what you know but who you know, and my mom and Lenny are friends with an employee there so... :P We put his name as a reference and within a week I was being called and told the date and time of my interveiw :D Awesome right?!
Well not exactly see, I tend to sweat the small stuff and worry even though I should be thankful and happy. Like...
 
How will I do? How will I memorize item numbers and prices, and sales going on that day and ....ARGG What if they don't like me?What if I don't get along with other people who work there? What if I make a bad impression, what if I fuck up when they're asking me questions? What if they ask me to start working that exact day I come in for the interveiw, am I prepared for that? What if I fuck up on the register? What if customers complain about me or give me that "is this bitch serious? " look? What if my registers short and the boss yells at me in front of everyone and I do that thing I do where I stammer and stutter and turn bright red and get all stiff and make it very apparent that I am shit faced embarassed and can't function properly? What if I have to talk on that speaker thingy? And what if they complain that I go to slow or am rude to customers or suck at cleaning or and a worthless emloyee and to get the fuck out and go strip at some club 0_0

Now having my period only makes me even more nervous. What if it's heavy by the time I start work and I have to change pads like every hour will they get annoyed I mean my first day of work going in and out of the bathroom? What if I am zapped of all my energy or randomly start getting terrible cramps while i'm working and everyone can tell somethings wrong by the terrible pained expression on my face? What if it's soo bad and im in pain ?

Actually getting all of this out has helped me calm down a little bit.

I just hope I can sit and relax and breath before I go in and just calm myself down and convince myself that I am ok and everything will be fine and realize that maybe just maybe I worry too much and have a tendency to be too hard on myself before anything has even happened.

I hope :/